Yeah!

Those hands.
Lovely. Beautiful.
That face. Yeah.

I was never supposed to be.
But it happened. Yeah.
That's what should have been enough.

I get u.
It is enough. Yeah.
It's actually much more.

Sorry.
I troubled myself a lot.
I know u didn't like. Yeah.

It was the best.
This time had it all.
Yeah.

And you will be. Yeah.
What you will have.
That one time when love happened.

It happens once.
I know. Yeah.
Just that ours were different.

No hard feelings.
I now understand twice,
Of wht u feel. Yeah.

I'll pray.
Of not happening yet again. Yeah.
For both of us.

Coz it happens just once.
Just that ours were different.
Yeah.

Sounds

We are all ears to sound
Sounds where our legs may tremble
And still hope to find happiness
Sounds where our hearts may stop
But still hope to walk the wet grass

And there we find mysteries
Like we've dived into an ocean

We've followed you
And now you've still puzzles for us?
But we have our faiths
We have our legs still working
We have our hearts still pumping

We'll not stop listening
Nor are we gonna stop following you
We will give you a name
We will believe in you
And we will keep our ears above the waves

And when your tides rise on that full moon
The same moon will show us the light
However dark it is
However dark you try making it
Our ears will be above the waves seeking you

However deep in the ocean we are
Don't expect us to forget the land
Our bodys might be in your embrace
But we still see light
When we don't, even you won't find us worth anything

Those sounds we heard
Those that we belived

Even if you get hold of our souls
Even if you were able to fool us
Try coming down riding those tides
And try understand our heads
What were we thinking when we died

We finally got embraced in our believes
Even our last breath was all ears to what we started following
We never knew you had plans
We just had our belief
In you, In ourselves

For we are yours
And you may not like but you are ours too

Why do you care to take us in the deepest Why do you care to guide us even wrong
Where feet may fail and hearts stop
Why do you care to frighten us
And still you don't show up

You've never failed and you never will
Coz we don't want you to
We won't let you
Not because we are afraid
But because we love our beliefs

So we will again follow you
Our bodys in your embrace
And our ears above the tides
Wherever you take us
For if we are yours than you are ours too

We might look for one but our trust knows no shores
They will always stay above your tides

Lead us wherever you please
Take us deeper than you've traveled drowning others
Where our feet fail and hearts stop
Coz the deeper one goes the stronger his faith becomes

We will still follow you
Our bodys in your embrace
And our eyes above the tides
Wherever you take us
For if we are yours than you are ours too

The Cure

So much of smiles on my face.
Afraid that a day they realize they're too good for me.
And then one day they actually did.

A bad memory was my problem.
What happened?
Did it cure itself or was it transferable?

Chemicals help me closing my eyes
When they open.
Why do I see the same first thing everyday?

O yes! That's what I wished for.
That's what the promise was.
The promise made to me and me still keeping it alive?

Distractions. To live just pass a day.
How many can I create?
All through my life would I wish I stay distracted or high?

Every second that's empty.
Is it really like that?
Filling the spaces are all those seconds where I smiled.

I need to replace them.
But can I really do it?
The real question is was I ever able to do it?

I guess I will not be?
New ones need a bad memory to thrive.
They need a mind that's in control of every emotion.

May be I'm not suitable.
May be I am, as they say obsessed.
But obsession doesn't have a cure, but I do. All of us do.

Our cure is Love.
Will wait for it.

Lockers

What would it be like?

For a locker?

Empty or full.

It might have treasures within

It might have dreams from thicks and thin

May be it has lots to cater

But that poor locker

It will always end up with much less to offer

People wish for a bigger one

Their wishes never end

Replenishment is how it’s treated

Does “Better” ever end?

You miss the money,

You miss the pictures.

May be the pencils and balloons from your childhood

Or maybe your first Valentine Card

You might long for the important documents

Or long the precious stones.

Certainly your emotions trapped in

Or even the invaluables you discard

The protector is yet to be acknowledged

It’s yet to be loved

In fact we do not trust it and move on

And it might end up as trash

Or maybe carrying all that

But it’s still on job

You might get back

Not for it. Yet to it!

The empty one’s have another story

They are waiting for someone to dream

They are waiting for someone to believe

They are waiting for someone to accomplish

These lockers….

They so much want us to succeed

Passcodes, and technically strong

Iron or tin, also morally strong

They never complain

Their success is our trust

Else all in vain

We are interested in others’

So we break them

Our intentions are to be questioned

All of us are playing a blame game

And in this game the hatred wins

People fight other people

Mistrust. Misjudgments.Misunderstandings.

These are our fouls.

Why curse the poor locker?

Why does it have to bear our howls?

Let’s identify ourselves

Let’s acknowledge the affection

All of us will die a thankless life

Let’s avoid all the complication

Let’s value our lives

Let’s make lives easy for others as well

Let’s show the people who love us

That we love them back against all hell

We are all lockers

We all have lockers

Home

I wanted to buy a house.
I wanted to buy that house since I was young.
Why? I am not sure.
Maybe to boast that it was mine.
Or may be to achieve a sense of accomplishment.

I never had that cash.
Not that I was poor.
Just that priorities took over,
or the passion was missing.
But even a laid back guy has dreams.
Even now in my 70s, I still don't have the house.
I have paid for the bills.
I went out on parties with colleagues.
I was even saving a bit.
And then spending that.
I could say NO to none.

I paid for books of a few children at an orphanage.
I did that for years.
I took my parents for a trip across the country.
Helped my sister's husband set up his business.
Bought expensive gifts for relatives and acquaintances on their birthdays and weddings.
Even danced in them.

I always had nice smartphones.
I dressed well.
Nice jeans, smart Ts, branded shirts and shoes.
But that house seemed far from sight.
I talked to people about property.
Even went ahead and made research on rates.

Land on mountains are comparatively cheaper.
I never understood why.
What beats watching the sky while sunset behind the hills.
What beats the view of a fall from your balcony.
What could possibly beat the sound of stream running behind your kitchen.
Your fireplace, where you write some poem.
Your lawn which actually never ends.
But its all much cheaper than flats in a crowded metropolitan.
May be I am too stupid to understand.
But even then I could not get close to fulfilling this dream.

I was getting older. Mid 30s and 40s.
I was now tired always.
Not that I was a special case.
Every person in this age looks tired to me.
I never thought I would be like them.
But actually you are bound to be at your boring best at this age.
You know what?
I realized; even if I am not, my mirror shows me a struggler.
I haven't done anything extraordinary.

50s and 60s.
I thought there was a filter on all of the colors at this age.
A white filter that actually took off a lot from the blues and the yellows and the greens...
I have now become stable career wise.
Not frequent job changes.
A rented place nearby office.
Lazy like a sloth.
Earning good enough money and spending them on a few international tours.
What fun???
Mom and dad are dead.
My sister doesn't call me any more.
Relatives? They are always the question mark...
Friends are there always.
But they keep changing with place.
I took gifts for their children.
They say hello and go away.
Puberty is such an age when you never can associate with 50 year olds.
Our young days is what I always thought about.
I see young people and start thinking about mine.

Those days when I was handsome.
Playing all sorts of sports.
Hanging around with friends.
Our first encounters with some or the other form of addiction.
Going for movies and long bike rides.
Enjoying the female attention.
Those fights and  suspensions.
All that funny shit we used to do.

And then if we are un/lucky enough to have long lives....
I was and got into my 70s.
I am like a zombie now.
It hurts when I walk.
I always had problems in my knees and now its like hell.
I have a wheelchair.
Those are my legs.
I have enough money now to buy that house.
I even called up a friend and asked him to talk about this property.
He did and I have actually a good deal now.
How much can I depend on my paid help.
How do I goto a bank?
How do I buy the warmers?
How do I goto a nearby station?
Getting a home build for myself on a mountain is out of ideas now.
If I ever got my own family...
My own wife, my own children...
Things would have been different.

I didn't marry.
I couldn't.
Not that I didn't want to, but situations...

If I had my own family..
May be I already would have had a house.
If not my dream house on the mountains, at least an ugly flat in a metropolitan.
I never thought that walls make a home.
I just think people do.
I believed that.
Many a times I pushed my wheelchair to kilometers on the road towards those mountains.
The other day, I woke up in hospitals.
Many a nights when i have tried to flee..
The cops brought me back home.
Sometimes I've even been robbed and beaten.
The neighbors are tired of my crying throughout the day.
Children fear me.
They say I am some sort of a psychotically unbalanced old man.
Why don't they understand that I am trying to find that lost dream.
May be when I reach that home..
I have a beautiful wife waiting nearby the fireplace.
My two little boys playing in the lawn and their paper planes flying towards the fall.
My lovely girl building a mud house behind the kitchen, near the stream.
My mom and dad talking to each other in the balcony.

Tomorrow I am going away.
Going to a home away from this place.
A home that I paid for with all my savings.
A home that I paid for to take care of me.
An old age home.

The Recession and The Family

During any recession, unemployment figures take center stage while the families dealing with the recession suffer, often quietly. While many families like mine do their best to carry on as if nothing is wrong with the world, still recessions can have a profound effect on their day-to-day interactions and the way they live.

It all started in the year 2008 when the global economic scenario took a plunge. Though India wasn’t hit that severely by this global economic crunch as compared to the western countries; still the inception days certainly were clear indications of a darker outcome as the current situation is. Indian economy has taken a toll and the price of Dollar has gone very high against Rupees.

In 2008, I was in the final year of my Management Program at a B-School. The placements were around the corner and the biggest worries for us graduates were to find a job and start earning for ourselves and our families. A graduation from a B-school certainly means investing hugely on the education and my family had taken a loan for the same. So the pressure to get in a job and start earning was great. I was interested getting into the advertising industry which happened to be one of the most severely affected industries due to the recession. Since the companies were low on budgets the best way to stop spending was cutting off on all sorts of communications drastically.

I wanted to follow my passion and was waiting for the situation to get better. My family supported me throughout. Still there were instances when the patience was lost on both sides. My younger brother too was in a B-school and his educational expenses were also met on loans just like mine. The pressure on my parents was tremendous. There were times when we were discussing as to how we cut on the homely and individual expenses. Sending money for me and my brother’s monthly personal expenses and managing their own along with accumulating the money for payback was certainly not easy for my Dad who was the lone earning member of the family. I am sure there might have been dialogues between my parents that both of us brother’s don’t even know.

We were talking less on the phone. I personally was avoiding going out with friends. We never planned a trip. My parents were not visiting us that often. And there might be many other things about my parents that we brothers can't even assume. All of it just to save money.

It took 6 months for me to get into a job. It wasn’t what I was looking for, but relatively close. Also the paycheck wasn’t what I was expecting but I had to succumb to situations that the recession brought with it. During these 6 months there were instances when my parents would question my initiatives and my intentions. They felt I was irresponsible towards the family and many a times we had heated arguments. I understand now that it must have been quite difficult for them as they generally are the coolest people I have ever met.

After I got into the job and started supporting the family things started getting better. Eventually my younger brother got into a job as well and now we could afford to loosen up a bit. We cleared all our debts gradually and things returned to normal. I eventually got myself into advertising and am earning a decent amount every month just like my brother does. Things are in a much better shape.

But we still remember the times when my parents and we brothers compromised on our very basic requirements. We compromised on our eating habits, our clothes and times when I and my brother even lived with our relatives to avoid expenditures. The frustration in me of not being an earning member in the family, the psychological ups and downs that my father had to go through to meet the family needs, the struggles that my mother took as the binding factor amongst the family members and the helplessness that my brother might have felt being the youngest in the family taught all of us one very important thing. Sticking together always! Whatever the conditions were we took decisions that might not be likable but were good in the family’s interest.

The recession effects are still on. India is on an all-time low of its economic status. Things are costly and jobs are limited. Yet after clearing off all our debts and gaining stability on our professional fronts due to the education that came to us at huge costs (money wise and mentally), ours is a family that is doing good in the given situations.

better not happy

there's a pain like you are at the bottom of a dark sea
and the millions of gallons of the water just feel to heavy
you dont feel it anywhere except your heart
and you continue living with it for eternity

time doesn't cure anything
just that it teaches how to live with the ailment
you adjust with that pain and start existing

a day you realize the cure
its there for you
the pain is no more
how light you're now, you're amazed
i hv been missing onto life, u realize
i am not gonna miss this chance now
i got to live, i got to live

you are happiest you've ever been
you start putting in whatever you've got
you want this to stay
you listen,  you wait, you run
you learn, you create, you think
you are always at disposal, on your feet
you belong, you dedicate all
you ignore, you leave, you don't sleep
you fail, you try, you accomplish
you are happy

you have been wanting this and you get it
you leave no stones unturned
you are now selfish, you are now blind
you have everything but you have no one
you are so much there, always, all  time
you are now boaring, not exciting
You are now saying millions of sorries
you are now spending all your emotions
you long for a talk and a walk and the time
you are now just someone, taken granted
you are being replaced may be
you are still happy

you are ignored, you are lied to
you are awake and life's fake
you you are waiting, that was supposed to your moment
you wonder, from hours to minutes is what you've come to
you are asked to shut up, you're now all fucked up
you are now disgusting, someone else is the hero
you don't deserve life, you are now useless
you see life's not interested in you, she's got better
you doubt, you don't trust
you cry, you shout, you are angry
you are pleading
you are praying
you are....

what? sinking again?
that black water? millions of gallons of them
that pain?
it was for eternity I said
how could you expect it to end
but this time the water is denser
the pain is much viscous
the mind is much more restless
for worse your hands are tied
energy all consumed
you just sink with the pain
you are now worse than the dead
you give up

you are happy?
you wished you never were...